Ah, a romance like in a Disney film – who doesn’t want that, right?! Well, let’s leave the feminist aspect aside (although, is that even possible?) and concentrate purely on the love stories depicted: young people find their perfect partner, defeat evil through their love and live happily ever after. Nice, isn’t it? The media not only shows us romantic love, they construct it and idealize our view. The standards are set so high that more and more people are looking for the “perfect” partner and the “perfect” relationship and ultimately fail miserably. For many, the first big crisis is when moving in together – different views on organization and recycling or the question of who does what in the household (shopping, cleaning, doing the laundry, etc.) can turn the adventure of moving in together into a nightmare.
The decision to move in together requires careful consideration beforehand - without Disney glasses, you both need to be aware of what you expect as individual, independent people and what your needs are. With decades of pop culture and the influence of neoliberalism, which have forced us into the cliché of happy couples and the search for the "perfect" partner against the backdrop of constant self-optimization, it is difficult to estimate what one should consider before signing the lease for the shared apartment.
When moving in together, focus on what you think your relationship needs and listen to your gut rather than what society says you should do. Our 9 questions, peppered with tips from millennial dating experts and relationship coaches, will help you ignore the outside nonsense and make sure moving in together is good for both of you, as two individuals in your unique relationship.
1. Why exactly and at what stage of your relationship are you moving in together?
Whether your decision to move in together is based on sheer convenience or not doesn't really make a difference, as long as you're both ready for the move. But be brave and question the exact reasons for the move.
Perhaps your old lease is conveniently ending and the timing is better than your relationship dynamic. It takes courage to end something comfortable and enjoyable. But remember that your personal happiness outweighs your obligation to your landlord.
But when it comes to moving in together, it's not just the original reason for the decision that counts, but also how long you've been a couple, according to relationship coach and clinical psychologist Ramon Schlemmbach. The expert believes that there's a too early and too late time to move in together : He suggests getting through the rose-tinted glasses phase first (from 6 to 24 months) so that you really get to know your partner's quirks and know whether you can deal with them in the long term. But at some point, if you really want to live together, you should try this step - so that you don't have to wait 7/8 years of being together to realize if something isn't right.
2. Where do you think your relationship is headed?
Maybe you both took it slow, with a “let’s date first and see where it goes” attitude, but honestly, there’s nothing relaxing about moving in together.
Sit down and have a serious conversation about your relationship before you sign a lease together. It may not be important right now, but make sure your own big plans don't get in the way of a life together - even before you share an address.
No matter how much of a moving pro you are, moving is a pain and a drain, and moving out because of a breakup is even more of a pain. Being honest about your long-term expectations for your relationship will help ensure that you personally benefit from moving in together—and not just using it to polish your Instagram feed.
3. What is your financial situation?
Prepare yourself (mentally) to worry about bills, bills and more bills. And of course your own home insurance , joint shopping and a few other expenses. All of these things that you didn't give any thought to at the beginning of your relationship can now become one of your problems.
Even couples who choose to keep their finances completely separate should know what they're getting into when they have to rely on someone else. Talking about finances is especially important if you end up sharing most of your expenses. New York dating expert Lindsey Metsellar, who hosts the show We Met at ACME, suggests a short and painless approach when it comes to discussing the tricky subject of money:
“You’re starting to share everything with each other, so make sure you know each other’s financial situation beforehand.”
You may decide that one of you will pay more for rent and living expenses, or that you will split everything 50/50. Either way, the decision should be made based on both of your financial realities.
About a third of couples cite money as their main source of conflict, according to Investopedia. So, just be honest about hidden debts or stock portfolios that can change the dynamics of your relationship and the financial situation of your new home.
4. What household tasks are absolutely out of the question for you?
At the beginning of a relationship, it's relatively easy to present yourself as if you have your life together and that adulting is a piece of cake. But once you move in together, your bad habits and quirks will sooner or later show up. Aatare Johnson, millennial dating guru and owner of the Tarascope podcast, suggests talking about the dynamics of your new home:
“Who pays which bill, buys groceries, cleans the apartment, cooks, etc. You cannot simply assume which things your partner is responsible for, so that this assumption does not lead to unnecessary arguments.”
Nobody loves a sink full of dirty pots—but if you're even more hesitant to pick up the dishcloth, let your partner know—that they shouldn't schedule you for that task. Maybe you hate scrubbing the kitchen floor but are a whiz at tracking your living expenses. Your new apartment comes with so many tasks and responsibilities that you could probably swap a few around.
You don't have to be perfect to remain lovable, but definitely be honest with your partner and take responsibility when it comes to your weaknesses and quirks.
5. What things would you rather keep secret from your partner?
Moving in together is a good time to explore how you can be a little more self-accepting, and it's also an important opportunity to get the same kind of validation from your partner. Christen Turner of Matchmaking for Millennials thinks a trial run is a useful idea:
“Live in each other’s homes for at least a week and be honest about who you are and what you do in your personal space.”
No, we're not just talking about how you bought a pack of socks to delay laundry day just this one time...
There's a lot of stigma around things like mental health, imperfect families, and past relationships, but a healthy relationship means accepting the whole package, with all its downsides. (Here are 52 deep-talk questions to get to know each other better and be honest with each other in new ways.)
6. What does time and space mean to you?
Even if you're lucky enough to move in with your favorite person in the whole world, there will be times when you hate each other. It might be because of stress at work, but there will still be times when the mere sound of your favorite person breathing will make you freak out.
Being able to say "I really love you, but I need some time for myself in the next hour" is a way of actually getting some time for yourself. Of course, the shared apartment must also offer opportunities to retreat to, such as a private room where you can just close the door behind you. According to relationship coach Darius Kamadeva, it is important that there are certain areas in the shared apartment that belong to you and others that your partner prefers, such as your reading corner or their study.
Another way you can continue to have your own lives without becoming a relationship blob is to continue to invest in your other friendships. Millennial dating expert Ari Taylor recommends maintaining your own identity.
"Keep your own identity. Even if you are consumed by your romantic relationship, it is still important to maintain other relationships as well."
Remember that you are not the only person who had friends before you met, so give each other space to stay true to yourselves and maintain your own personalities.
7. What can you do to keep your relationship special even after the move?
Big milestones like moving in together can feel like the goal, but even the best relationships are a work in progress… and always will be. Maybe watching the first season of The Good Place together on Netflix was special for you. But now that you're spending more nights on the couch next to each other than anywhere else, it's hard not to let what was once a special couple activity become a daily occurrence.
Nicole Amaturo, coach for personal growth and self-love, warns against neglecting relationship romance:
"It's so easy to forget to intentionally date after moving in together because we confuse time in each other's company with actual time together. And that's a huge difference."
8. What are your expectations for your lifestyle?
Whether you're introducing a rule that only organic food is cooked or dreaming of a smart home system for your new place, make sure you make your preferences and expectations for your life together clear.
Turner warns that “silent (unspoken) expectations mean death for any relationship.”
The good news is that you can both create your own normal . So if you hate throwing away food or are totally into the idea of a barefoot philosophy, make your preferences clear before you even call the movers.
9. What is it like when you travel together?
Time spent together on vacation illustrates how you interact with each other as you plan your trip, schedule activities, and choose what to have for dinner each day.
Dan Ariely, Chief Behavioral Officer at practicalpal.net, illustrates the idea using a canoe trip:
"The current pushes you in all sorts of directions, and your natural tendency would be to blame the other person. But the reality is that it is nature that is pushing you, and the waves are taking you in a different direction."
The ups and downs of a trip are a great indication of how you will respond to and overcome unexpected challenges when you spend all your time together.
Cold feet?
Moving in together can be overwhelming, even when it feels good and like the right time. Eating dinner together becomes the standard routine—and that's no small adjustment, even for those of us who tend toward codependency.
As long as you are as committed to clear communication as you are to your partner, you can relax. And if things get tough, you both have your voice and the tools to identify the things that make you both feel at home.